


A Breath for a Breath

by writerforlife



Series: Dreaming and Drowning [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Drowning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 14:27:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6288199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerforlife/pseuds/writerforlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Ronan disappears one night and Adam discovers that something may have happened to him, he has no choice but to go after him. Because what would Adam do if the worst happened to Ronan?</p><p>Inspired by all the references to drowning on Maggie Stiefvater's Tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Breath for a Breath

**Author's Note:**

> When going through Maggie Stiefvater's Tumblr tag for The Raven King, I was both concerned and inspired about all the references to water and drowning that surround Adam and Ronan at this point. This fic just sort of happened, so I hope you enjoy!

It was almost midnight when there was an urgent but controlled knocking on Adam’s door. Adam started. He had been studying for the calculus test on Monday, even though it was a Saturday night and every other boy who went to Aglionby would probably study at the last possible moment. Adam wasn’t every other boy who went to Aglionby, a fact he was reminded of at least once daily. 

He rubbed his eyes, stood up, and stumbled over to the door, fully expecting it to be Ronan dragging him out to the Barns, letting himself feel hope that it would be Ronan. His friendship with Ronan had grown over the past months, so it wouldn’t have been strange. What he wasn’t expecting was to see Gansey, his hair disheveled, wire glasses on, and overcoat thrown on over his pajamas. 

“Is he here?” Gansey, asked, fidgeting slightly. Adam looked down to see that the edges of Gansey’s pajamas bottoms were splattered with mud and his hideous boat shoes were ruined. “He rushed out about six hours ago.”

“No,” Adam replied, knowing that Gansey was referring to Ronan. He stepped aside so that Gansey could come in, and he nodded before striding in. 

Gansey slipped into the look where he looked timeless as he sighed and sat down on the very edge of Adam’s bed. “He won’t answer his phone. I don’t know why I would expect anything different.” He massaged his temples with one hand. “He hasn’t done this in awhile. I thought that maybe he wouldn’t anymore.”

Adam just nodded and glanced out the window. It was pitch black outside, and Ronan could be anywhere. “He didn’t say anything when he left? Nothing strange?”

Gansey shook his head, then steepled his fingers and rested them against his lips. Somehow, he managed to look completely at home in Adam’s shabby apartment, but Adam believed that Gansey could look comfortable in any situation. He probably could have made his father’s trailer turn into a castle by commanding it to. For a few moments, the only sound in the apartment was Gansey tapping his fingers together. Then, Gansey leapt to his feet and stared at Adam with a horrified expression.

“He was muttering something,” Gansey began. “I didn’t pay much attention, but I remember now. He said he was going to do something that should have been done ages ago, and -”

“And with Ronan, that could be anything,” Adam finished grimly. A chill came over his body when he thought of all the different things Ronan could be doing, because ‘something should have been done ages ago’ could have been anything from a dramatic way of saying he needed to change the tires on his BMW, or it could refer to something entirely more dangerous. 

An idea came to Adam. “I’ll scry. Look for him.”

By the way Gansey stood up abruptly and stared at Adam with widened and horrified eyes, he knew exactly what he thought of the plan. “That is dangerous. No.”

“Look. We have no idea where he is, and since he’s being himself and won’t pick up the phone, this is the best way to do it.” Adam walked to his bathroom and began spreading tinfoil in the sink, Gansey trailing after him nervously.

“I don’t like it, Adam,” he announced, leaning back against the bathroom door. 

“No, I didn’t think you would.” He unceremoniously handed Gansey one of his sharpest razors, and Gansey stared at the tool like it was going to grow fangs and eat him. “It’s for in case I go too deep. You’ll have to cut me to get me back.”

Gansey’s eyes pierced Adam. “And this has happened before?”

“Once. Nothing serious,” he lied. It had been serious. If Blue and Noah hadn’t been there, he would have died, but Gansey didn’t need to know that. “I take precautions now.”

“You don’t value your own life enough,” Gansey sighed, but kept the razor in his hand. 

Adam turned to the sink, and braced himself before looking into the tinfoil. It wasn’t the ideal way to scry, but it would have to do for the moment. He felt himself slipping into some other reality, and before he knew it, he was in Cabeswater, surrounded by darkness.  _ Ronan _ , he wanted to call out.  _ Where are you? _ He weaved his way through the forest, the trees flickering in and out like a movie played on an old projector.

_ Deeper _ , he thought.  _ I need to go deeper.  _ He let pieces of himself go, hoping that he wasn’t going to far or that if he would, Gansey.  _ For Ronan. This is to find Ronan.  _ Cabeswater shook, but was then steady again. “Ronan!” He had a voice, now. He surged forward, and came across a deep, dark body of water that rippled in the moonlight. His vision cleared, and all the sudden, he saw a body floating facedown in the water. A wave of horror washed over him when he saw that the body had a buzzed head and a sprawling black tattoo over its back. “No,” he whispered. He began to wade into the water, and when he reached Ronan, he dragged him onto the shore. His breath coming in uneven pants, he rolled him over, and fell to his hands and knees when he saw Ronan’s blue eyes staring up at nothing. Adam let out a choked sob and went to touch Ronan, but all the sudden, there was a cry, and Adam was jolted back into his own bathroom. 

He was flat on his back, quaking and panting. Gansey knelt by him, razor in hand and a little bit of blood dripping from the blade. “Thank God,” he whispered, letting the razor fall to the floor. 

Adam rubbed the small cut on his arm, and laid back on the floor with an arm over his eyes. He had seen another one of his friends dead in another vision. Reflection of the present. Glimpse of the future. Whatever scrying showed him. He sat up and leaned against the wall for support, fully aware of Gansey staring at him. 

“Did you find him?” 

Adam made a split-second decision. “The Barns,” he whispered hoarsely. It was at least an hour drive from Henrietta, an hour for Gansey to look, and an hour for Gansey to get back to Henrietta. That was three hours to go to Cabeswater by himself and find Ronan. He couldn’t tell Gansey what he had seen. He couldn’t. “I need to stay here. I’m… I’m not feeling up to it after that. Ronan’s fine, you can go and see for yourself.” He knew that Gansey wouldn't just accept Adam telling him that Ronan would return in due time, that he wouldn't just go back to Monmouth and sleep. Gansey needed something to do, so Adam was giving it to him. He felt slightly guilty, but knew that he had to find Ronan on his own. Cabeswater responded better when he was alone. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Gansey asked, his eyebrows drawn together. “If he’s fine…”

“Go,” Adam insisted. “You know Ronan. It takes him half a second to get into trouble.” 

Gansey eyed him warily, but finally held out his fist for a fist bump. Adam bumped fists with him, and then Gansey walked out of the bathroom and to the door. His heart was thumping in his chest, and his hands trembled. He had to get to Cabeswater as fast as possible.

Gansey hesitated in the doorway. “Are you sure you’re all right? You seem shaken.” 

“Scrying is no walk in the park,” Adam quipped, sinking down on his bed and trying not to let Gansey to see how worried he was. This got a half chuckle from Gansey, and he yawned as he waved and left Adam’s apartment. 

Adam stood up and watched Gansey walk out to the Camaro. As he watched, he tried to even out his breathing and get rid of the image of Ronan’s dead body. When Ronan had brought a dying version of himself back from a dream, it hadn’t been too bad because he knew it wasn’t really Ronan, but this was the real deal. Every moment he wasted put him a moment closer to Ronan’s possible death. Or maybe it had already happened. Like Gansey had once said, time was like a slinky. 

He waited until the Camaro was completely out of sight before he grabbed his car keys and a flashlight then took the stairs two at a time, nearly tripping in his haste. The engine barely had enough time to turn on before he was putting the car into drive and tearing off from the St. Agnes parking lot. By this point, the drive to Cabeswater was one he could do asleep at the wheel (he was pretty sure that he had, one time), so there wasn’t much to distract him. Images of Ronan’s water-bloated body came to him, and turning on music didn’t help, because it was just the mixtape of shitty music that Ronan had made for him. The corner of his mind that all things Ronan related usually occupied was quickly leaking. Adam was typically good at compartmentalizing, but in this instance, it wasn’t working. With a groan, he turned off the music and let the silence wash over him as he pushed his car to go even faster.

The thing was, a year ago, if someone had told him that he would be speeding to a magical forest in the middle of the night to save Ronan Lynch’s life, he would have told them that they were full of it. Now, it seemed like the only logical action. Losing Ronan at this point, just when he was realizing that Ronan was more than just a rich, moody asshole, would be devastating. The loss would be punctuated with a big ‘What if?’ He would be full of questions of what could have happened if Ronan hadn’t died, if Adam had been quicker, if something, anything, had gone differently. 

He grimaced and pressed on the gas pedal harder. 

 

Adam made it to Cabeswater in three-quarters of the time it usually took. He parked his car at the edge of the forest and leapt from the driver’s seat with the flashlight in hand. In that moment, he braced himself for the worst, yet didn’t let himself lose all hope. Ronan could still be alive. With that thought in mind, he flipped the flashlight on, locked his car, and ventured into Cabeswater. 

As he dashed in, he bathed the towering trees in the light of his flashlight. The leaves blocked the dim light from the moon and the stars, making it hard for Adam to see anything beyond the range of his flashlight. He looked out for anything Ronan-shaped, moving quickly but with care and precision.  _ A lake,  _ he thought.  _ Cabeswater, bring me to a body of water _ . He wandered through the forest, growing more and more frustrated as he walked for more time. Just wandering through Cabeswater would do nothing for Ronan. The trees all began to look the same to Adam, and he looked for something, anything, that would provide him with a reference point. He felt time slipping through his fingertips.

When he found it, he almost ran into it: Ronan’s BMW. He gasped and shone the light over Ronan’s car. Then, he held the light between his teeth,peered in the windows, and then tested the door. It was unlocked, and Ronan wasn’t in the car. Wherever Ronan had gone, he had gone there in a hurry. For a moment, Adam slipped into the driver’s seat and placed his shaking hands on the steering wheel. The entire car was like an extension of Ronan; it even smelled like him. He quietly bowed his head and rested it on the steering wheel, allowing his eyes to close for a moment. Ronan was nowhere to be found. For all he knew, he could be dead. How would he explain to Gansey?

Suddenly, an agonized scream pierced the air. Adam recognized it instantly.  _ Ronan.  _ He scrambled from the car and began sprinting towards the scream, the flashlight forgotten. Adam couldn’t imagine what could make Ronan scream like that, and he didn’t want to. Ronan was brave and nearly fearless, so whatever had pushed him to making that sound must be a true terror. The branches and brush whipped his face and scratched him, but even as blood trickled down his face, he didn't slow down. He couldn't. His lungs burned and his muscles pulsed and his heart raced, yet he wouldn't stop. 

After running at this pace for a few minutes, Adam stumbled into a near-empty clearing. Trees encased the open field and moonlight shone down into it, illuminating rocky crevices and a hunched-over shape about five hundred feet away from him. The sound of running water washed over him and brought a semblance of relief. He was close. “Ronan!” he called out breathlessly, taking a tentative step forward. Something about this place sent shivers through his body, and suddenly, he started hearing whispers in his deaf ear. “Ronan?” he asked more carefully. The figure he had noticed previously grew taller, and Adam realized that he was looking at Ronan. He took a step closer, but Ronan took a step back. “Ronan, it's me!”

This only got another pained moan. Ronan lifted his his hands and placed them over his ears. “You’re not really here.” he shouted. “This is another fucking trick.” He took another step backwards. “I have to wake up.” With growing alarm, Adam realized that the water was coming from behind Ronan and that Ronan was backing towards it. There was a ledge, and water was over the ledge. 

“Ronan, just come over here,” Adam pleaded, holding out his hands. At that moment, he would have done pretty much anything to get Ronan away from that ledge. 

Ronan gave a morbid chuckle and a grin more fit for the Devil than a boy. “Don't think so.” Adam felt time freeze as Ronan closed his eyes and fell backwards. 

“Ronan!” He lunged forward, closed the five hundred feet quickly, and knelt down by the ledge, staring down and the black water. Ronan was nowhere to be found. Adam felt his heart sinking and his terror growing. Without any hesitation, he kicked off his shoes and tore off his shirt, then glanced over the ledge again. There were rocks on the way down, so he would have to jump far to avoid them. He paced back a couple steps and took in as much air as he could. Before he could become scared, he took a running start, then leaped from the ledge.

As he fell through the air, the whispering grew louder.  _ Tu solus _ , the whispering said.  _ Tu solus, non potest salvare eum.  _ Adam tried to get rid of it, but the Latin only grew louder.  _ Tu solus.  _

He hit the water. His entire body was submerged in the cool water, and it felt like his chest was collapsing. He got his senses about him and regrouped. Ronan. If he didn't come back with Ronan, what would be the point?  _ A light, Cabeswater _ , he thought.  _ A light so I can find your Greywaren.  _ Impossibly, a cool blue light illuminated the underwater landscape, and Adam could see vague shapes. He cleared his mind and swam through the water.  _ Ronan. Where are you?  _

In a heart-stopping instance, Adam saw him. Ronan was sinking slowly, his buzzed head leaning to one side, his scarred arms floating above him like he was a puppet on a string, and his reddened lips parted. Adam swam over to him with fear splitting him into a thousand pieces. He reached Ronan quickly and wrapped an arm around his broad chest. He had Ronan, but he didn't have much time. The surface seemed impossibility far away. Adam had no idea if he could get there by himself, let alone dragging Ronan along with him. However, he was Adam Parrish. If he was one thing, he was stubborn, and this stubbornness would carry them to the surface. 

He started the long swim to the surface. Moonlight dusted the top of the water, and Adam saw it as a finish line. Ronan was dead weight, but he couldn't leave him. Ronan was the point of it all. His lungs felt like they were on fire, his head was pounding, everything was burning. 

With one last burst of strength, Adam burst through the lake’s surface with Ronan wrapped in his arms. He greedily took in gasps of air and coughed up water, but when he glanced over at Ronan, he was still unconscious and there was a cut on his forehead. Adam look around desperately for some land, and found some not far away. With the last bit of his strength, he swam to the land and dragged himself and Ronan out of the water. 

He stumbled to his feet, took Ronan’s arms, and pulled him from the murky water. He laid Ronan out on the shore, making sure he was out of the water completely, before falling to his hands and knees. His entire body trembled, and he coughed violently with his head bowed. Everything hurt, but he couldn’t pity himself for too long. “Lynch,” he gasped, hacking more water. The entire world spun around him, but he found the energy to crawl over to Ronan. A wave of horror washed over Adam. Ronan’s eyes were closed, like he was just sleeping, blood was trickling from the cut on his forehead, his lips were slack, and his chest wasn’t moving. 

“Ronan!” Energy provided by a mixture of fear, rage, and despair surged through Adam, and he shook Ronan. All that happened was that his head lolled to one side. “Wake up, asshole.” Adam shook him once more. Nothing happened, so he began chest compressions. When Gansey had been on the rowing team, he had learned CPR, and he had insisted upon showing Adam, Ronan, and Noah. Adam had never thought he would have to do it, but now he was doing it to save Ronan’s life. He did thirty rapid compressions, then tipped Ronan’s head back, lifted his chin, pinched his nose, and pressed his mouth to Ronan’s. A tear ran down his cheek. He had pictured pressing his mouth to Ronan’s before, but never like this. This wasn’t what he wanted. 

There was no movement.

“Wake up. How am I going to explain this to Gansey?” He laughed bitterly. Thirty more compressions, two more breaths. “And what about Matthew? Are you really gonna leave him with just Declan?” Thirty compressions, two breaths. Adam sunk to his hands and knees, feeling exhaustion take hold of him. He wasn’t sure how much more air he could give before passing out. “What about me?” Thirty, two. “Please, Ronan.” Ronan had survived losing both parents, racing cars down empty streets at midnight, fights with dream creatures, and alcohol. Adam had thought him untouchable, yet here he was laying on the shore of a lake, not breathing because of some water. “Wake up. Wake UP!” He hit Ronan’s chest harder than necessary, grabbed the straps of Ronan’s black tank top, and then let his grip go slack. Ronan still wasn’t breathing. Tears ran down Adam’s face freely, now. He had never been much of a crier, but this was something different. This was failing Ronan in the fact that he had let him die. This was failing Gansey in the fact that he had lied and would come back saying that the boy he considered a brother was dead. This was losing a friend and being left with a giant ‘perhaps’.

Suddenly, Ronan’s body seized, his eyes flew open, and he coughed up what only could have been lungfuls of water. His eyes were wide and terrified, his every motion looked pained, but Adam could only feel joy. He was alive. 

“My chest…” Ronan began and trailed off, his voice tinny and weak. “My chest is not… it’s not a fucking drum, Parrish.”

Adam laughed and collapsed onto his hands and knees again. He became aware of how cold he was without his shoes or shirt and his jeans soaked through, yet he didn’t care. As he glanced over at Ronan, who was struggling to sit up and coughing out a mixture of water and curses, he realized how gloriously alive Ronan was. He crawled over to Ronan and pulled himself to his knees. Then, he gathered Ronan in his arms and held him against his chest, burying his head in his shoulder. 

Ronan froze and tensed for a moment, but as if he realized that he was allowed to enjoy this moment, he relaxed and leaned into Adam. With this much contact, Adam realized that Ronan was trembling, so he held him tighter. With Cabeswater concept of time, they could have been there for seconds, minutes, or hours. When Adam finally let go and laid him back on the ground gently, Ronan looked at him with his eyebrows drawn together. 

“You were dead,” Adam said hoarsely. “I had to restart your heart.” 

Ronan bit at his leather bands and wouldn’t meet Adam’s eye. 

“Why did you tell me I wasn’t real?”

“Something’s wrong with the forest. I came here to try and dream… something, but the forest mixed everything up. I couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep, and there were multiple… versions. Of people I knew.” Ronan trailed off. 

Adam realized that Ronan didn’t want to tell him what had been in the dream, but he also didn’t want to lie, so he just wouldn’t say anything. He wouldn’t press for more information on that. 

“But why did you jump?”

Ronan hesitated. “I thought it would set everything straight. I realized about halfway down that you were real and I had jumped off a fucking cliff.”

“Good thing I jumped in right after you.” Ronan nodded at this, looking up at him. His eyes wandered down Adam’s bare chest to where his wet jeans were hanging low on his hips, then snapped his head away. 

“How did you know I was here?” Ronan asked suddenly, propping himself up on his elbows. 

“I scryed,” Adam replied, not looking Ronan in the eye. “Nothing interesting.” Unlike Ronan, he didn't have such an issue with not telling the truth.  

“That's a load of bullshit. What did you see?” Ronan inched closer to Adam, his blue eyes full of fire and ice at the same time. And just because he had dragged Ronan from the edge of death and he was so grateful that he was alive and speaking, he told him the truth. 

“Fine. I saw you floating facedown in the water and when I dragged you out, you were dead. Like eyes open stuffed full of water dead. I wasn't able to save you. Then when I stopped scrying, I didn't know if I had seen the past or the present or the future.” He felt his Henrietta accent slipping out but couldn't find the will to hide it. “After that, I lied to Gansey so I could come here alone and look for you. When I saw you jump, I didn't think that I could save you. I thought… I thought that I had lost you. How would I have explained to Gansey?”

Even after everything, Ronan didn't look ashamed. Instead, he clenched his fists and locked his jaw. “I did what I thought was best. You've gone running off to Cabeswater in the middle of the night without telling anyone. I had to go tonight.”

“That's true,” said calmly. “But you need to realize that there are people who care about you and would give a damn if you died.” Adam bowed his head. “I would give a damn. I wouldn't have jumped off a ledge after you if I didn't.”

Ronan seemed to deflate a little bit. Then, he raised a hand to Adam’s cheek and pulled it away like he had been burned. “You have a cut here,” Ronan murmured. “You fucking idiot. You look exhausted. 

“Can I kiss you?” Adam blurted the words out before he could even think about it. His hands grew clammy and his heart pounded against his chest, this time with nervous energy rather than fear.  

Ronan’s lips parted and his eyes grew wide. He licked his lips. “You did already. You know, during that whole restarting my heart song and dance.”

“Ronan -” Adam started.

“I don't want you to feel like you have to!” Ronan exclaimed. He coughed up more water. “Just because I was dead doesn't mean -”

Adam kissed him.

At first, Ronan was tense, but when Adam put his hands on either side of his face, he leaned into him. Ronan pressed one hand against Adam’s bare chest and one hand against the small of his back, pulling him closer. Adam closed his eyes, sighing into Ronan’s mouth. He moved his hands down to Ronan’s chest and felt his heart pounding.  _ Alive. Alive. Alive. He’s alive.  _ He pulled back, and rested his forehead against Ronan’s. When he opened his eyes, Ronan was staring up at him, his lips slightly swollen and his cheeks flushed. 

Ronan tried to smirk, but it came out as a more innocent grin. This time, Ronan pulled Adam close and kissed him again. Adam shifted and settled in on top of Ronan. Ronan’s lips were soft, and all of the harsh lines of his body transformed into something more gentle and forgiving. Adam realized that he could have felt inadequate, as he had never kissed anyone before and Ronan had (he knew that something had to have gone on with Kavinsky), but he simply didn’t. Confidence surged through him and everything felt so right. With Ronan’s hands in his hair and lips on his, he felt like he could conquer the world. 

After a few more minutes, he rolled off of Ronan and laid next to him on his back. They laid shoulder to shoulder in the darkness. Adam could have been looking at the stars, but instead, he looked at Ronan and the way he gazed up at the night sky. A half-smile crept across his face. 

Ronan looked over at Adam, took his hand, and squeezed gently. Then, he pressed his lips against Adam’s knuckles, and Adam’s breath hitched. They both turned onto their sides and looked at the other. 

“I didn’t think…” Ronan didn’t finish. There could have been a thousand endings to that sentence. He didn’t that Adam liked boys. He didn’t think that Adam liked him. He didn’t think that he was good enough. “We can still stop. If you want.”

Adam ran his fingers down Ronan’s jawline and squeezed his hand. “What do you want?”

Ronan blushed again, and Adam felt a sense of elation. Twice in one night he had made Ronan blush. He wanted to do it again. “You know, you fucker.”

“I do. And I want it, too.”

Ronan stared at Adam. “I destroy things. I’m toxic to everything around me. There isn’t much good about me. I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t want to burden you.”

“Ronan. Answer a question for me: Do you like me?”

“A lot.”

“Then there’s my answer.”

“But why?”

“I could ask the same thing of you.”

Ronan laughed his new laugh. It was happy, but there was a hint of darkness to it that made it interesting. “We’re both kind seven kinds of fucked up, aren’t we?”

“Definitely.”

Ronan leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Adam’s forehead. “Thank you.”

Adam felt like time had frozen. He had never once considered hearing those words unironically from Ronan Lynch. “For what?”

“For jumping off a cliff after my sorry ass. For restarting my heart. For this.”

Adam swallowed hard and pulled Ronan into his arms. Ronan laid his head on his chest. “I can honestly tell you it’s my pleasure.”

“What are we telling Gansey?”

Adam felt his heart sink at the mention of Gansey’s name. He wouldn’t be mad. Maybe about the lie, but not about Adam saving Ronan’s life or what was happening between them. It was just that there was so much that Gansey didn’t know, namely that his name was on Blue’s death list. He pictured Gansey on the ground, gasping for air and ultimately failing. The image sent a wave of pain through him. Then he pictured Ronan’s reaction to Gansey’s death, and felt his breath hitch. How would Ronan recover from that? If he were to drown a spiral of self-destructive actions, Adam didn’t know if he could save him from that. He didn’t know if Ronan would even want to be saved at that point.

“Adam?”

Adam inhaled. “We’ll tell him the truth.” He was lying, because he wasn’t Ronan and he didn’t have to tell the truth all the time. He would tell Gansey a partial truth, but not the whole truth. That would work for the time. It would give him enough time to figure out how to save Gansey and save Ronan in the process. He glanced over at Ronan, who still looked pale. 

If he could save Ronan from the edge of death once by himself, he could certainly save Gansey. He would save them both, because they were all that he had. What other choice did he have?


End file.
